I wanted to talk about the emotional toll acne has had on me. I’ve always felt ridiculous about it because I know it’s stupid, it’s not like I can control it, but it really has affected me.
I was a very confident person at the beginning of high school. I had left my town school system and my parents put me into a private catholic school. Anyway, I loved meeting people and talking and just wasn’t intimidated by anyone. Senior guys would talk to me and I was never nervous or scared. To me, it was just another new stranger I got to meet and I love meeting people! Then, Sophomore year hit.
Sophomore year was the start of it all. I started getting a lot of pimples and it was a time where I would wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and be like, "where did these come from". I was self-conscious about it started wearing my hair down more to cover more of my face. Then at the end of the year and into my junior year, the cystic acne came. I would get these huge mountains that looked like tumors! I felt ugly. There were days where I would fake being sick just so I wouldn’t have to go to school and show my face. I would go to bed crying because I felt so ugly and helpless. I felt like I was alone.
Because of this, I started to isolate myself. My confidence was totally gone, I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore, and I especially didn’t want to meet anyone new since I felt like they would just stare at my acne covered face. It sucked. There were times where I was thinking about asking my mom if I could be homeschooled. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression and right now, I don’t think I have it but for a period in high school, I think I might’ve had a bit of it.
I don’t know if I can describe exactly what I was feeling. You know when your chest clenches when you’re about to cry? I felt like that almost all the time. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I felt like I was being judged everywhere I went. I would think to myself, what’s the point of living if all I want to do is hide. It was a really rough time in my life, and in the past year when my acne has been really bad. I’ve had days where I’ll feel like this acne isn’t just physical, it’s extremely emotional.