Since I hit puberty which was when I was about 12 years old, I have been using makeup. It started as just using concealer to cover up the occasional pimple that popped up on my face. But as my acne worsened into my teenage years, I found myself relying more and more on makeup. By my freshman year of high school, I can remember being too afraid to leave the house or even go downstairs for breakfast without putting makeup on. I was so ashamed and embarrassed of my skin that even on Christmas morning when you’re supposed to get up and rush downstairs to open presents, I found myself in front of the mirror putting on my mask.
I am generally a very happy person, but all of my memories throughout my teenage years have been tainted by the emotional scars that acne brings with it. I am currently a 20-year-old college student and still find myself afraid to leave my dorm without makeup on. I wear it even when I go to the gym or to softball practice. It is so disheartening to me that I rely so much on makeup. Even when I am wearing makeup, though, and am out having fun with my friends, I still have that underlying feeling that I am ugly. I always think people are looking at my acne scars because even with three different concealers, I can’t hide them.
I long for the day when I am confident enough to leave my house without feeling like I have to wear makeup. I yearn for that self-assurance that I am good enough and I am pretty enough to walk around with just me and not someone hiding behind the mask that is makeup. Not that makeup is a bad thing; even if I did have great skin I’m sure that I would wear makeup often. I just hate that makeup is something that I use as somewhat of a crutch. I depend on makeup just as much as I depend on drinking water. It sounds ridiculous because I know that I won’t actually drop dead without makeup as I would if I went without water, but that is how it feels.
I don’t think my soul could take living without makeup at this point. I know that it would cause me to hate myself even more because my biggest insecurity would be on display for everyone to see. I can’t wait for the day that I am confident enough in myself and my skin, to shed this mask that is makeup that I have worn since I was a young girl.